Grimmauld Place - february 1997
by Therese V
Summary: Oneshot. It has been almost a year since the death of Sirius. The war continues, and the members of the Order of the Phoenix are staying at 12 Grimmauld Place. Remus and Tonks have a late night conversation about Sirius and his complicated relationship with Remus. Reviews are very much appreciated.


February 1997

The fire crackled calmly in the fireplace. He sat in his chair reading an old book. The others went to bed some time ago and the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix was, for once, almost completely quiet. No voices sounding from upstairs, no footsteps, no nothing.

He ran his fingers through his hair. The strands of grey had become more dominant lately.

He heard soft footsteps from the kitchen and looked up. Tonks came in with a cup of tea in her hands. Her pink hair looked like something had exploded in it. She was wearing the oversized T-shirt she slept in.

She smiled at him and sat down on the armrest of his chair. He laid the book on the table and put an arm around her. Kissed her gently.

"Remus, you should get some sleep, you know? It's not good for you to stay up so late every night. Especially not in these times."

"I know. I just… I have a hard time sleeping."

She planted a kiss on his forehead.

"I know."

She straightened herself a bit and then handed him a picture she had been holding with the teacup.

"Found this in your drawer," she said.

He took it. It was a picture of James, Sirius, Peter and himself. From their 6th year. He smiled.

"Yeah, that's us."

She nodded.

"Yes. You look at it every night before you go to sleep."

He hesitated.

"You noticed…?"

She shrugged.

"Pretty hard not to."

"I hate being so nostalgic. But it's a lot of nice memories," he mumbled.

She stroked his hair.

"Sometimes I wonder what you're thinking… when looking at that picture. Sit there with it and stare at their faces. Are you thinking of Hogwarts-times? Or of what happened to them during this war or the last… what are you remembering?"

"Old times… happy times."

"What was it like?" she asked, her voice almost in a whisper, "the four of you?"

He chuckled hoarsely, looking warmly at the picture. She put an arm around his shoulders and leaned in to look at the picture with him. The four boys were smiling and waving. The young Sirius put his arm around the shoulders of young Remus.

"Well it was wonderful," he said, "I've never had such close friends, not before not ever since. They knew everything. Every single thing there ever was to know. Sometimes long before I did myself. Did you know how scared I was to tell them about my disease? I thought they'd abandon me. And instead they learned animagi just to be able to keep me company…"

He paused.

"I can't believe they're all gone."

He lightly ran his fingers over the faded surface. Lingering at Sirius.

"You know, I've actually been wanting to ask you about him," she said.

"Sirius?"

"Yes. If it's not too painful?"

He shook his head.

"No, it's ok."

"It's just… I know how close you two were, and since his death and all the talks we had about him at that point, you really haven't said much about him."

"And you miss that?" asked Remus.

"No, no, but I sort of expected you to… talk. You did that before he died, and it seems you've grown so quiet lately. I'd enjoy you talking more about anything, really."

"That's a stupid excuse, Dora."

"Yeah I know," she laughed, "it is kind of true, though."

"But not entirely true?"

He gave her a long stare. She didn't look away, but it made her feel uncomfortable.

"There was nothing except deep friendship between me and Sirius," he said.

"I wasn't asking if there was."

"But it's what you think and it was what you wanted to discuss when you came in with this picture."

"Remus, stop putting words in my mouth," she said, a sharp edge to her voice.

"I think I have to, when you won't put them there yourself."

She rolled her eyes.

"Yes, ok, you're right. I was going to ask. I've just been wondering what it was with you two. There were times where I considered asking him, but I think it's good I didn't, don't you?"

Remus looked sullen.

"Yeah."

"I always considered your relationship with Sirius to be deeper and, somehow, more real than other peoples friendships. I started feeling shallow around my friends, because compared to you we hardly knew each other. Because of all the things you'd been through together, the first wizardring war, the death of James and Lily, his time in Azkaban and his return, this war, I mean," she laughed, but there wasn't much happiness to it, "no one can compete with that! And yet you're sitting here now, telling me you and him were just friends. Whatever you were, you were never just friends. And I think you're being disrespectful."

Remus didn't answer. He neither agreed nor disagreed. So after some silence, Tonks continued:

"Before his death you had this special way of looking at him. Like a memory was surfacing, a certain glint in your eyes that I never saw at other times. Or sometimes he'd be the one to just freeze up in the middle of whatever he was doing and cast this strange glance at you. When you were with me, for example -"

"What are you talking about?" he interrupted.

She ignored him, her voice quivered just an octave higher than usual:

"And sometimes your eyes would meet for a brief second before you both looked away and-"

"Dora, please…"

He fumbled uncomfortably, because he hadn't really thought about this since Sirius death – had suppressed the thought and the feelings that were tied to it. But he new exactly what she was talking about. Not what he had felt when he looked at Sirius or that Sirius had been looking at him, but when their eyes had met and his heart had jumped and then felt as though someone just took an ice blade to it. Warmth had spread through his chest and a strange, tingly feeling of being able to see everything, had formed in the back of his head. A complicated map of actions and coincidences laid out in front of him, the choices which had let them to the place they were now, held up against every other choice they and the people around them had ever had. The millions of other ways the world could've looked. What they could have been, if they'd acted differently. This deep, desperate feeling of regret subsided with pure, light-hearted relief.

And he shivered at the memory.

"And I just wondered, whenever I saw you looking at this picture, what that was?" asked Tonks, dragging him back to the warmth of the livingroom.

"Dora, I love you very much," he said, still trying to shake the feeling off.

"Yes, I know that! I'm not questioning it, I'm just asking, because I want to know if there was something there?"

"Sirius and I were very good friends and I loved him as my brother," Remus said, staring into her dark eyes.

"Oh, come on, didn't I just tell you I don't believe that?"

Remus got up, almost knocking her over.

"I'm not lying!"

"Hush your voice or you'll wake the others! Look, I know those looks meant something. People don't look at each other like that if nothings wrong. Why can't you tell me this? Are you ashamed? Don't you trust me?"

He sat down heavily on the edge of the coffee table.

"There was nothing wrong," he said.

"You know what I mean."

She slid into the chair.

"Well, I…"

But he didn't have any reason, any explanation to give her. He didn't know either. Why he couldn't tell. He breathed in, opening his mouth like he was about to say something, but dropped it and sighed instead. She didn't say a word, but she was waiting. He stared wryly into the dark corner of the room. The golden light from the fire lit up his face in a most beautiful way. Then he took the picture from the table.

"Will you tell me exactly what you're asking, Dora? Because I really hate this stupid, avoiding conversation."

"Were you in love with Sirius?" she asked.

Remus looked down. A few deep breaths. They heard the clock ticking and the old house creaking.

"I was," he said, so quiet she could hardly here him.

She felt the burning of tears in the corners of her eyes. She swallowed hard. This was no time for tears. He said he loved her and she believed him. There was nothing to cry about.

"For how long?"

He shrugged.

"Dunno… some time, I guess."

"When did it start?"

He glanced sideways down at the picture in his hands.

"I think it was about half a year before that picture was taken."

There was no response from her, no reaction what so ever. And though he could see she was fighting the tears there was no surprise in her eyes. She had known. He took a deep breath, but stopped without any words coming. He sighed again.

"When did it end?" she asked.

His hesitation burned and they both knew what a horrible question it was. Both to be asking and not to answer.

"Please, Remus, tell me it ended. It must have ended at some point!" she said.

Another shrug.

She stood up.

"I can't believe it," she hissed.

"I told you I love you! It faded over the years with him, ok? But I can't control whom I fall in love with! And it wasn't love at the end; it was just… a wound that never healed. It was sick and twisted after all those years, and I really do love you."

"That's not it," she spat, "I don't care if you loved him and me at the same time, but that you were in love with your best friend for so many years and never did anything about it, you never even talked to him about it, that's just so… so stupid!"

Her voice broke.

"I mean, do you enjoy hurting yourself or what? A wound that never healed? Yeah, that's exactly what it is, but you let all those years pass without even trying to heal it! Are you punishing yourself, huh? Because I've been wondering why you were so torn, Remus, seeming so many people loved and protected you over the years. And you are torn, because you kept tearing yourself apart! Because you are so completely unable of loving and protecting yourself!"

"Will you stop psychoanalyzing me?!" he yelled.

"You still see yourself as a threat, don't you? That's why you didn't want to be with me in the beginning even though you've told me numerous times that you love me. You see yourself as a threat to other people and so you've always been so obsessed with protecting them from you that you never even considered taking care of yourself as well!"

A look of triumph spread across her face and he couldn't hold back a smile, even though she was so fatally right about most of her observations. It was just that he already knew. So many people had told him. James and Lily, Dumbledore, Molly Weasley… and Sirius.

"It takes time to change how you view yourself."

She snorted.

"Besides, I did talk to Sirius. A lot. And I don't know if it's right to call it a wound, since it hasn't always hurt me."

Once again there was silence, and they heard footsteps from upstairs. When they dared to break it, it was with hushed voices:

"Can you tell me?" she asked.

"About what?"

"You and Sirius," she said, "because I think I really need to know."

He nodded. Rose from the table and sat down on the couch instead.

"Well… maybe I'd been in love with him right from the start, but it was pretty late I became conscious about it. Like I said, my friends knew all about me, and I think Sirius figured it out."

"James and Peter?"

Remus shook his head.

"No. They had no idea. I was too afraid – and ashamed – to tell Sirius and he must have known that as well, because he never asked, and so there was never any certainty. He acted like he didn't know and I played along. It took some time after I realized my crush before it became clear to me how deep it was. I actually ended up having a hard time talking to him. I got so happy every time he touched me, hugged me, put his arm around me, but I couldn't say a word to him when we were alone, because I was so afraid he'd figure it out…"

He laughed softly. Tonks sat down next to him.

"Did you talk about it?"

"Yes. Once. Just once, during our 6th year. A very long time ago it seems now."

He fell quiet. His eyes went dead, seemed like he'd pulled very far into himself and shut all the doors behind him. Lost in thoughts and memories.

"Remus?"

She heard the footsteps above again.

"Remus?" she repeated softly.

He jolted awake and began talking again:

"We went to The Three Broomsticks and got drunk that December. I got really drunk. I started singing then crying, then I went outside and threw up all over. Pretty pathetic, I know. So Sirius offered to take me home to the castle while the others stayed a bit longer. I remember him saying that it'd be easier to smuggle me in without any teachers noticing if it was just the two of us. I don't remember anything about the trip from the inn to my dorm at the castle and I am rather happy about that. I suppose it went well."

He cast a nervous glance at Tonks. She looked mildly at him with a glint of curiosity in her eyes. Her anger seemed to have melted away completely. He went on:

"Sirius gave me some water, I climbed into my bed and he laid down next to me. I was still a bit hysterical, so he held me, spoke softly to me 'till I had calmed down a bit. Then we just lay like that for a bit. I guess I stared at him. Sirius was very beautiful when he was young –" Remus cut himself of.

He put the picture down and folded his hands instead.

"Look, why am I telling you this? It's unimportant."

"No, it's not."

"YES!" he yelled.

It echoed in the living room. Remus flinched.

"Yes," he whispered.

"No. You told me you never stopped loving him, yet you tell me you love me, so I need to figure things out, ok?"

"It's just so strange to be talking about this. Can't we just go to sleep?"

She took his hand.

"Please!"

Remus cleared his throat. Shrugged.

"And so I kissed him. And he kissed me back. And we talked. I told him I loved him."

"And you were still drunk?"

He smiled.

"Very. We didn't say that much, or rather, I don't remember most of it, but we fell asleep like that and when we woke up the next morning he wanted to discuss it again. And I just avoided every question, told him it was his fault or that I didn't want to hear anything about it. He was mad at me for the rest of our 6th year."

"Really? How come I never heard of this? I mean, James had to notice and probably your teachers too, but I've never heard anyone mention the three of you being mad at each other for so long?"

"Sirius probably told James not to ask or talk about it. And we still hung out when we were three or four, Sirius and I were just very careful not to be alone with each other at any times."

Remus smiled ironically.

"And he kept giving me these hostile looks whenever I opened my mouth."

"So that's when it ended? Your crush?" she asked hopefully.

Remus shook his head.

"No… not really."

Tonks looked slightly disappointed. Remus sighed.

"Look, Dora, are you really sure you want to hear this? It's just my past. There is no reason to dig into it much, really."

"Tell me the rest," she demanded, "I don't want to discuss it anymore. Go on."

So he did.

"When summer came and we went home things became easier between us. His anger cooled down a bit, and I think I fell out of love with him. So when we came back 7th year we both thought things would go back to normal."

"They didn't?"

"Not really, no."

So he told her about their last year at Hogwarts. A strange and wonderful year. And the more he told the more sure he became that she would leave him after this. She was so afraid of his love for Sirius, even now, when he was dead and gone. And so he left out bits and pieces. They had been friends at some times, friends with a secret most of the time, but the times they were lovers (or something very close at least) he didn't tell her much about.

They were, after all, precious memories. And they would lose a bit of their magic if they were shared.

He ended the story when they left Hogwarts. It wasn't the end of it, he told her that, but the rest was too close to where they were now.

Because then Sirius was arrested for the death of Lily and James. And there were all those letters he'd written then burned, because you can't write an Azkaban prisoner.

He remembered clearly how he'd felt when he got him back: that he was happy to have his friend back. When they finally saw each other again in the Shrieking Shack he had miraculously fallen out of love with him and this had brought them so much closer to each other.

That's probably why they were so unprepared when moving into Grimmauld Place 12 – because they both thought it was over. So when old feelings had started to creep in on them again they hardly noticed. It was partly memories, ghosts of dead feelings, but new love as well, growing in their hearts with terrifying speed.

Remus put an arm around Dora's slim waist and gave her a kiss.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Well as you said… it's just the past. I'm glad to know. Glad you told me. And very glad it's over."

"Can we go to bed now?" he asked.

"Yes."

He lay wide away in the darkness under the blankets with his arms around her. Parts of his own story that he'd forgotten were coming back and he felt like a stranger next to her. All the things he hadn't told… she needn't know about Hogwarts, but the things that had happened at Grimmauld place in these last years – weren't they her business? He thought so but didn't feel it.

Remus closed his eyes and gave in to the storm of images and memories raging in his head.

In the living room of Grimmauld Place 12 the picture from Remus' 6th year was left on the coffee table, where a smiling, young Sirius putting his arm around Remus.


End file.
